Numbness, chemo brain, brain fog. Whatever you want to call it I had it.

After battling through chemotherapy, surgery & radiotherapy the finish line was almost in sight, or so I thought. However, this new normal wasn’t sitting right with me. I wasn’t capable of retaining any information. My short term memory hardly existed, I am sat thinking ‘please don’t leave me forever’, that’ll be like having dementia too. I didn’t want anything else to get in my way or take away my control.

An appointment with my oncologist hadn’t gone as planned. I wanted to be free. Free from appointments, commitments, rules and bloody conventional poisons. I remember sitting looking at him while he babbled off lots of jargon that was just going through me like a hologram. I remember being asked to take part in a couple of trials, one was to take a placebo or aspirin for 5 years which I declined as another sentence in the system hadn’t been part of my plans so that one could jog on. The second was to attend the oncology unit every 6 months to be treated with Zoledronic Acid, they would do it through an IV, only a matter of 15 minutes and all done.

I chose option 2. Why? No idea, I guess fear set in, I thought I would hear those words you are free, free to go no more cancer but that never happens it is ALWAYS with you!

I signed up and attended my first session. Fifteen minutes later I was on my way home feeling fine. Fast forward a couple of hours and oh my fucking god…like a bad bout of flu, it kicked me right in the !$%£%^*! (I will let decide which word you think fits well in that last sentence). I ached from head to toe, stiff all over, banging headache, shivering. “What the fuck is this shit they have pumped into me”? Thankfully it was only a 36 hour thing but nevertheless it wasn’t good. The side effects can cause bone to grow on bone, for example you can get an extended jaw, your teeth can become loose or crack.

Now, I am no doctor. But! A bone strengthener surely should be reducing these side effects, or one would have thought. I attended the second and then the third and final one in December 2019. The treatment should have lasted 3 years in total so 6 lots of IV medication. I have cracked teeth at the back and I have also lost a couple and I just realised I can do this holistically, concentrating on my diet. I don’t need to endure anymore of this death sentence.
I have continued with the holistic approach. I have amazing support and guidance on a daily basis. You have to choose, don’t be bullied. Choose the right medication and type of therapies that you want not what your oncologist wants. It is so easy to get sucked in and just go with the flow and not question their decision making. Never be afraid to do your own research as you know your body better than anyone else, so look after it.
I am told that the cancer closet lasts for two years after treatment so another year to go. Although I may seem fit and I suppose I can say I am doing relatively well, it doesn’t stop me being fatigued on a daily basis. It’s not necessarily about sleeping but just rest, a walk to the village shop can sometimes seem like a long hike, when in fact it’s down a slight hill at the bottom of the road.

I can only pray this fades and life becomes easier. Yoga, meditation, and breathing exercises help. No longer on trial – a free spirit

Now, I am free!