Saturday June 25th 2006, my whole world crumbles.I arrive home around 6.15pm after a long shift at work, weekends were never the best as there was only ever two staff on. Anyway not long after me being back through my front door my friend turns up with my daughter as she had kindly offered to help out with childcare. The phone rings and it’s my Mum, my best friend. We chatted everyday sometimes more than once I could talk to my Mum about anything but, on this occasion I just wanted to sit with a cuppa and unwind so it wasn’t the best conversation, I recall saying “I’m busy right now I will ring you back.” I never got to speak to my Mum again.

Never can say goodbye.

Fourteen years on and I have only just come to terms with my Mothers death, after 25 sessions of counselling during my recovery I delved deep and realised I had been living with guilt and resent for not being by her side when she passed. I never got to say goodbye although, I did get to kiss her before she was taken away in the private ambulance but she was already going cold.

Having settled in for the night with Chelsea, calling my Mum back had slipped my mind. We were in the process of moving so Chelsea was on a put me up bed in my bedroom as her belongings were all packed and her bed had been dismantled. Myself and her Dad had separated but he still lived close by. We still shared a car as he worked some distance away, bloody sod’s law that on this particular weekend he had the bloody car.

My phone goes off at 01.40am, it was my Dad telling Me my Mum had gone. “Gone?” I said “Gone where?” He was all over the place, it was all a shock. I called Chelsea’s Dad straight away panicking, my heart was racing. Once he answered I don’t remember much but I do remember asking him to get the car here ASAP. I woke Chelsea and explained we needed to get dressed quickly, that something had happened to Nan.

We jumped in the car with Chelsea’s Dad and shot off to the hospital. I ran in shouting at the receptionist “Where’s my mum!!” “Where is the ambulance with my mum in it?” I had just assumed Dad meant she had gone off in an ambulance somewhere. Back in the car I was sat in the rear, my memory of that drive to my parents house in the early hours down the A6 was like the road to HELL! I kept repeating over and over and over again, “It’s my Mum this can’t be happening”. “It’s my mum!”.

When we pulled up outside Mum and Dad’s I ran inside to be greeted with an absolutely broken man. My big strong Dad in front of me destroyed, crumbling on the floor with his head in his hands. A man lost. My gut catapulted in to my mouth. I had just been through the mill separating from a long relationship but, nothing has ever and still hasn’t to this day made me feel as sick as I did in that moment. I have never felt pain & hurt like it. Even now writing this I can feel myself welling up. My Mum was my soul mate and sidekick.

The show must go on as they say. Life stands still for no one.
The funeral was packed, faces old and new sharing stories. We laughed, we cried. I swore that I was only going to have one drink at the wake but, I ended up chatting with my best school friend Gail O’Brien. We drank and we drank, in fact Gail was attending a family 40th at the same venue as we held the wake that same evening. We had gone outside for a fag and a bit of privacy, the next thing I know I am bladdered and the staff had ushered all the guests out and they were setting up for the next party due in.
I mean come on who the hell only ever has one drink ha ha ha. My drinking continued for some time after we had laid Mum to rest. I couldn’t go out without getting wrecked or causing a scene. My attitude stank and I was now spiralling in to a dark place looking for answers, looking for people to blame.

My barriers were up and I wasn’t prepared to speak to anyone about Mums death, when I did mention her name or look at any photos of her I just crumbled. I just wanted my Mum back. Months of me pretending she had just nipped to the shop turned into years. I had never dealt with any of it never mind let it go, that is until I came to Cancer Care for counselling. Finally I can look at photos of my Mum and Dad and smile with pride for having had them as parents.

I am truly blessed to have an amazing daughter with whom I have an incredible relationship, the very same one myself and my Mum had, and it is such a precious gift to share with someone you are so proud of. Once you let go and start to remember positive times and not those of sadness and loss you can move on with those memories in your heart.

Now that Dad has joined our Mother I feel no pain, just happiness. Back together again, at peace.