Its a small world after all ey?

Having kept in touch with the local Cancer Care through fundraising I would often take a drive over just for a coffee or a chat with whoever was mooching about once I arrived. It is such a warm inviting place, very safe and comforting. I could sit and admire the craftsmanship of this once grand home all day. High ceilings, large sash windows and a wide staircase the meanders up to the counselling room.

One particular day I was sat talking to a member of staff about my progress, she had survived cancer herself many years earlier, so she knew what warning signs to look out for. I had been racing all through my treatment, distracted with fundraising and visiting my dad, I had no time to worry about me. Everyone else was taking care of me, weren’t they? I mean they made sure I had appointments to attend, medication to take, an oncology family to rant at on visits, cancer support groups to talk to others in the same boat. Surely that’s enough?

She looked at me and said, “Have you tried counselling?” I replied “Nah, had it once years back, load of crap, didn’t make me feel any better.” She replied, “It really worked for me I think it depends who you get and, you may get lots from it”

I never made a decision right there and then but I did ponder on her advice for a while. What have I got to lose? I had tried a type of hypnotherapy but found it too difficult to actually relax and let go so I came out more tense than when I entered the room.

I made the call and arranged for my first counselling session.
A few weeks later I drove over to Cancer Care without much thought, not sure how it was going to pan out but I was giving it a shot. At this point I was desperate. I felt chained, claustrophobic and more importantly unsure who I had become or who I actually wanted to be. Let’s hope I feel comfortable enough to unload and let go of my past, my demons, let us see if I can overcome my fears.

It’s a slow start but I feel happy with my now new buddy. She has a presence that just lights up a room once she enters. A Yorkshire lass with a wicked sense of humour and, the most delightful smile that imprints on your heart after one meet and greet.
Little did I know at this point that she was going to be my absolute saving grace. We were a perfect match. My prayers had been answered. Now I can start to be me and unravel the almighty mess that I had become tangled up in cancers web.

Cancer never came up in my one to one sessions for some time. I began talking about my life growing up.  We were very blessed to have lived in a beautiful idyllic village in the North West of England. A never ending playground of nature and stunning backdrops. A village school with a kissing tree in the orchard, a step back in time with outside toilets and ‘Izla’ toilet paper that I can only describe as grease proof and it was an absolute waste of time as far as absorption goes.

Nevertheless it was a privileged childhood.

My parents both worked and our Nan was our live in housekeeper. I say ‘our’ as I have an older sister Vicki, sadly we were never close growing up and have never maintained a healthy relationship since. However, we are civil and we do love each other, we just play at opposite ends of the field but, that’s not to say it won’t develop in to something more as we learn and grow. Who knows one step at a time eh?

I was now on a roll. I had a great relationship with my counsellor. She just let me rip. It was the only place I felt safe saying anything at all and not being judged, not even slightly. Yes I know that’s how it should be but when you know you just know and I just knew that this beautiful soul sitting opposite me was the one to hold my hand till the stabilisers could come off. This woman with her pearly whites and Yorkshire twang had my total trust. For those of you that know me well know that I do NOT trust easily. I am very sceptical and watch carefully. My Nan always said “God gave you two eyes, two ears and only one gob for a reason, use them wisely!” Well for those going yeah right, I never said I practised what she preached, Lord knows I learn the hard way…always!

I am pencilled in for twenty, one to one sessions, the half way mark is past, lots of ground covered, I am an emotional rollercoaster but light is in the distance. As the therapy was almost up I began to panic, that loneliness and emptiness came back knowing my Tuesday mornings would never be the same again. I had already extended the gaps between each session so it didn’t feel like such a cut off at the end. Weekly had gone to monthly. I couldn’t risk undoing all my hard work, I was physically and emotionally drained. I was done with a capital D. She assured me that I could get an additional five sessions, this meant I needed to go over everything in my head, find what hadn’t been covered to make sure when I walked out of that last one to one I knew I would have all the tools to keep me safe focused and strong. It was so important to me, I wanted to show this woman how well she had nurtured me and helped me develop in to the person I have become and love today. I am forever grateful to the universe for choosing me another soul mate. A woman with gut, determination, strength and a cracking Yorkshire twang. I will always be truly grateful for what you have given me you are an absolute diamond of the highest purity, a beautiful soul.

Long story short I left behind all my negativity, all that toxic crap I had burdened myself with for decades, riddled with guilt some is still too raw to even discuss today but I cope. I have tools to do the job.

“You cant change the past but you can change the future”.

I did it, I bloody well did it! I still have crap days when I want to hibernate with a good cuppa, you just have to be able to manage yourself. Get back in that driving seat. Back in control, in a controlled manner, bring on my next chapter!