Every New Years Eve, the bells would chime at Midnight and, we would turn to each other and say the same old cliche, “Next year is going to be our year…….
As the clock ticked it’s last tock of 2016, i couldn’t help feeling excited about what 2017 was going to bring…….
I still hadn’t come to terms with my mum passing 10 years earlier and, now i was losing my dad too. He had started to show signs of memory loss, only he would make a joke about it, putting it down to his age, possibly loneliness after losing his childhood sweetheart, our mother.
My Dad also suffered with Stargardt disease. Stargardt is the most common inherited single-gene retinal disease. It would eventually lead to blindness.
When he began telling us he was seeing people stood around his bed at night, half human, half monster, alarm bells started to ring. I recall one time when my sister was away on holiday, i got a call from my Dad’s neighbour to say ” “Bill, my Dad, came over in the middle of the night asking for a gun to shoot all these people or whatever you want to call them, walking through his walls in to his bedroom!” I wasn’t going to leave him alone another night so i jumped in the car drove up to his house, packed some belongings and brought him home to live with us.
Slightly disorientated in his new abode, Dad would often pee in our room at night, i would have to get up and guide him back to his own bed, without upsetting him. Things soon began to worsen. Social Services had now got involved, which did help relieve the pressure that was building. I had been so determined to cope and be able to care for Dad until the end. This wasn’t to be. I was starting to see that as time went on it was becoming much tougher than i had anticipated
A decision had to be made. It wrenched my heart. I sat him at the table, reached out to hold his hand, looked him in the eyes, i have no idea where that burst of strength came from but holding back the tears i proceeded to tell him that we needed to find some other, more suitable accommodation to support his needs. I can still feel the pain, it nearly killed me. At this point Dad was still able to understand most of what we were saying, making it even more difficult. He knew what was happening but was too proud to admit it. He mad me promise not to put him in a care home, he had wanted me to put him too sleep before it got to a stage where he had become totally dependent on carers. I also truly believe he knew it was the right decision to make, as daunting as it seemed.
Dad didn’t last too long at his first nursing home. As serious as it was, it still makes me laugh out loud today. He decided he wanted to go home so exited the building via a Fire Exit, in his pyjamas, without any shoes on, late at night. Around 23.30pm i received a call to say Dad had escaped . Police arrived at the home as we pulled up. The worst thoughts were going round & round in my head. So many “What if’s.”
Luckily we found him close by curled up in a hedge, ripped to shreds by brambles.
Now on to pastures new…..
Another Care Home to view, a secure unit, a place much more equipped than the last. It broke our hearts seeing Dad sitting amongst all these people, looking lost, not fully understanding what was going on. As time went on we all accepted that this was the right place for him to spend his last years. There was nothing we could do to change what was happening so we had to embrace it and have lots of laughs along the way. My sister never quite accepted it the same as i did but, everyone deals with things in a different way.
2018….Dad had settled in everything seemed to be going okay. Spoke too soon, i was diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer, deemed the most aggressive and lethal of all breast cancers. It has the highest chance of returning elsewhere in the body within the first three years. GREAT!
I couldn’t tell Dad. I asked all the family members not to mention it to him either. The last thing i wanted was to confuse him even more, so when my hair started to fall out i shaved it and told my Dad i had done it for charity. As he couldn’t remember i got away with it on every visit.
We had to build a new relationship. The Dad we had known all our lives had disappeared somewhere in to the background of this emotional, child like state. I wasn’t sure which one of us would die first, so i made sure i embraced our times together with cuddles and laughs. I would take him food in so we could have a little picnic. Foods that he loved when we ate as a family. A cheese board with fruit cake was always a good choice.
Christmas 2018….
Dad contracted Pneumonia. Hospital bound. We all prepared ourselves for bad news but, in true Billy style, Dad bounces back, his sense of humour was something he never lost, so as long as that was still present we knew Dad was okay.
2019….My treatment was coming to an end. I could get to see my Dad more now my immune system was becoming stronger but sadly my excitement was short lived. Dad started suffering with more nasty chest infections, they were becoming more frequent, each time leaving him weaker, delirious and more frail.
We continued to battle through the rest of the year. Christmas 2019 Dad becomes sick with, yep you guessed it, another infection. I am sure he is a bloody cat. Mr. “Nine Lives.”
November 2019. Out of the blue i am rushed to Preston spinal Unit for an Emergency Operation. I had driven myself to A & E in excruciating pain, without hesitation after my 13 hour wait, i am whisked off in an ambulance.
A Decompression & Discectomy Operation went ahead. Waking up without any pain had to be one of my most memorable moments. Relief was an understatement!!!
2020 has arrived….”This is going to be our year!” i said.
FECKIN HELL!!! Now we have been put on”LOCKDOWN!!!”
No visits to see Dad was a bitter pill to swallow. I knew deep down that we didn’t have years left to say our goodbyes. I had said to my daughter, “If Grandad gets another infection any time soon, i think it will be game over.” Honestly i prayed for my Dad to die. He had become almost blind, incontinent, unable to stand, he had to be hoisted everywhere. He only knew it was me on a visit once i was close up and talking in his ear. “God Bless Him.”
The final chest infection came in March 2020. We were informed that Dad had taken to his bed and that he was very ill. Not seeing him was crippling me. The day before his birthday the home called and suggested we made an appearance. The next day myself and my hubby drove over to see him. Alex wasn’t allowed in. I had to be Covid equipped in PPE before i could go to his bedside. Dad never opened his eyes the whole time i was there. I prayed by his side whilst sobbing, for my Mum to take him and stop this suffering. I knew i would never see my Dad again. I held his hand kissed his forehead told him how much i loved him and, that everything was going to be okay. I was going to make him proud, fundraising at every opportunity. Live in the moment. Embrace each day & see him on the other side! Oh and tell Mum i love her!
Its been a strange few years. Some massive learning curves. Lots of self development. New opportunities have arisen. New friendships have been formed.
CHANGE IS COMING…You just have to believe…One Love x
